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| - I'm going to start this off by saying that few things annoy me more than suffering through the agony of listening to either a New Yorker, or some dunce that has visited New York, verbally fellate New York pizza. At some point in the last decade, I was delighted to find out that Pizzeria Bianco - right here in lil' ol' Phoenix, Arizona - had been deemed the "Best Pizza in the United States". This was a nice thing to be able to throw out there when suffering through the aforementioned conversations.
Unfortunately, or so I thought, I had never been able to experience this delightful Pizza for myself. I had several conversations with folks that had gone or attempted to go that all ended in a similar manner: There was always a several hour wait, and pizza just isn't worth it. Until actually going there, which I recently did, I always assumed the wait was a testament to how great the pizza was, and Boy, was I wrong.
So a short while ago, I ended up in Downtown Phoenix on an intended visit to the AZ Science Center. My company and myself were hungry and looking for a spot to munch. I fire up the ol' yelp machine and BOOM! Pizzeria Bianco is right next door. How convenient for me. I feared a wait, but I said let's check it out and let the cards fall where they may. Roll up and "Heck Yeah" no line! Now I can definitely see why there would be, because the place is tiny. But it just wasn't the case on my visit.
Rolled in, promptly greeted and seated. I'm going off of memory here, and if I remember correctly, if you are a larger person like myself, it ain't going to be the most comfortable as the chairs and tables aren't large and accommodating. Obviously I blame myself for being a fat bastard, but it is worth noting. In any case, I peruse the menu and it was hard to decide. I let the server know it was our first time and asked if she had any recommendations. I can't remember what specifically was said by I do remember noting that it wasn't helpful at all. OK, whatever, I'll choose for myself. I ended up with a Margherita, add prosciutto. I remember thinking it seemed pricey, but for this acclaimed pizza, probably worth it.
The wait for the pizza seemed long, but maybe it is because I am looking back through brown colored glasses. Our pizza came out, and it was just a surprise disappointment visually. I felt like I was taking part in a culinary "The Emporer's New Clothes". The pizza is tiny. The Pizza is thin. The cheese coverage is sparse. The pizza is burnt. At this moment I'm looking at what I'm discovering to be an overpriced pathetic pizza and thinking "great, this thing is tiny, and there's two of us, but I'm sure as sh*t not gonna throw down another twenty for another. Hell no!".
So I haven't tasted the thing yet, and I'm just hoping that somehow this pizza is going to taste majestic and make up for my current state of utter let-down. Bite into what is basically a trumped up cracker and Bruh. Just Bruh. What a freaking bummer. I feel like the biggest idiot. Here I am invoking this place's name over the years to defend AZ honor and it has come to this? The most bland, disappointing, gustatory fart of a bite of food in my memory.
I'm literally chewing on disappointment, trying to figure out anything appealing about this pizza. Literally. Just waiting to taste anything. Bland. Tasteless. I would hand you a slice if you were to ask me what sadness tastes like. To eat this pizza is to buy a $20 losing lottery ticket. It's the same thing. Eating my half of this tiny pizza had become punishment and that is just the beginning of the kick in the nuts. You actually have to pay for it. Bummer.
So fast forward to today, my friend is telling me that a friend of his wants to go. He has heard from several other people that the place sucks and he doesn't want to. We get to to talking and I'm just getting more and more worked up about how much this place sucks. We talk about what he's heard about the place a little more and we start throwing out pizzas that we think would be less appealing and the only one that he came up with that I would possibly, not even certainly, recommend less is a lunchables pizza. Hahaha literally. The "crust" on a lunchables pizza is so awkwardly bad, that it's the only pizza I can think of as dissapointing. I'm going to stop at the grocery store later just to get one so I can compare to be sure.
Morals of the story
1) if you read this far, thanks. I'm sorry it takes me so many words to express "it sucks - overrated"
2) DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME WAITING HOURS FOR THIS PATHETIC PIZZA. Literally go to any other pizza place if you value your time and money.
3) Eff you, New Yorkers. Eff you, but you win. Now eff off.
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