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  • "Hey dude. I've got a voucher and reservation. Both expire at 6:00 tonight. Can you come out for a free 5-star meal?" Yeah, that's how my night went tonight. And it ruled. Teatro is one of those fancy places where you're supposed to use the right kind of plates, lay your napkin on your lap, fold your hands neatly and drink absurdly expensive wines just because someone told you they'd go good with your duck. And you know what? It kicks ass. This fancy-shmancy place made me feel like a baller and was the perfect way to celebrate the fact that I bought a house and own a car that only takes premium. So while I'm now way too poor to afford to eat anything but couch cushions for the rest of the month and any dates I go on will probably be walks around my neighborhood, Teatro left a good taste in my mouth. Our server took notice of the fact that I had absolutely no class whatsoever (read: I haven't been fancy dining in a long time, so I forget the rules) but was a perfect gentleman, folding my napkin on my lap for me and hooking me up with the bread plate with only so much as a "With your permission, sir." Yeah, he called me sir. And that's gratifying as heck. I had the Bolognese. It was a reasonable size considering fancy places usually have more garnish than actual edible food. It was also delicious, the cheese had a mild sweetness to it that made everything even more wonderful. I paired it with a Rose wine, because I am a genius sommelier myself. Just kidding... I ordered the Rose because I love them and they're cheaper than the $2,850 bottle I saw somewhere on the menu. For an appetizer we had the calamari, which was perfectly crispy and really flavorful. There was a fancy spicy sauce that added the perfect zing to the calamari. I would probably have eaten it with my fingers but I think someone would have probably pulled a Gucci-brand machete on me for my lack of classiness. I finished the night off with the tirimasu. It was like an angel had an orgasm in my mouth. I know that's sort of crass, but that's the only way I can put it that adequately captures how perfect this desert was. Oh yeah, and we had a voucher, so it was less than one billion dollars. In the end, I'd definitely recommend this place to anyone who owns at least one pair of nice pants and a collared shirt.
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