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| - As a self employed, single, childless dude I have very few responsibilities. However, going to Montreal at least once a year exclusively to eat at Schwartz's and pick up a dozen dozen bagels is something I take very seriously.
There are really only two things you'd want to get here and that isn't because the rest of the menu is poor, I'm sure it not, it's merely for the fact that the smoked meat is just that good.
If you're a sandwich lover (and if you're not, we're just not going to get along, don't bother contacting me in any way) order the medium fat smoked meat sandwich with fries and a pickle. If that doesn't sound like enough food for you it is, but if you don't trust me go ahead and order the coleslaw as well. It's average. But don't worry, you won't need to eat more than a forkful of it anyway.
The smoked meat sandwich however, is anything but average. We're talking about a mountain of thick cut, beautifully marbled brisket piled between rye bread and some appropriately plain yellow mustard. There's usually enough meat on each sandwich that you'll want to take a bit off and eat it with a fork and knife but even if you think you can open your mouth wide enough keep the fork as some of the meat is guaranteed to fall out. One bite and you'll realise what the 80 year old hype is all about. This is meat like no other. MUST be tasted.
The fries are a nice compliment and the pickle is enormous and juicy as a mofo. Not crunchy like you'd expect but definitely one of the better pickles I've eaten (though I hear good things about the Moshies pickle just up the street).
If you're on the Atkin's diet, I'd suggest the smoked meat plate which is literally a plate of the smoked meat. That's too decadent even for me. It's common for people to order a loaf of rye bread with this and just build there own sandwiches, in fact, the last time I was there I saw a dude polish off 3-4 handmade sandwiches in less time than it took me to get through my sandwich. Fat ass.
One thing you can definitely expect is a wait. Located on St Laurent in the Plateau, you can expect a 10-40 minute wait. The lineup is certainly part of the Schwartz's experience and even though I hate waiting, I love the fact that they haven't caved and moved locations - there's something special about that spot. Once you get inside, expect to be rushed to a table, where you're likely to sit with strangers if you're a twosome. But don't worry about making awkward conversation, it's understandable that no one could talk with that much meat in their mouth.
The servers are attentive but somewhat impatient. I feel as though part of that comes from the fact that if you're from out of town you should really just be ordering the smoked meat and if you're a local you already know to get the smoked meat. The other part? They're French. Ehyo!
If you are from out of town do yourself a favour and spend the $50 on a brisket to go. It won't be the same, but it'll still be the best thing you eat that week. Wish I had some in my freezer right now. I guess it's time to go back.
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