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| - My Troubled Relationship with Panda Express
A few years ago, I visited my friend Kristin in Seattle. By some miracle the day was beautiful: the sun was out, and the temperature was just over 70. I was already making plans to move there and live as a street performer. But on the flight back, my rowmate quickly brought me down to Earth. "Living in Seattle, is like being married to a beautiful woman," he said. "...who is a wonderful cook... but is always sick." Bummer. I stayed in Az.
A few days ago I realized the drive-thru Panda Express behind my house is like a beautiful woman... who is a wonderful cook... but is also prone to domestic violence and destined to give me diabetes: the one on cops who gets arrested for hitting her boyfriend with a skillet, and setting their trailer on fire.
What kind of abuse? Well, the most recent was randomly waiting in the drive-thru for 20 minutes behind an exhaust belching Ford Expedition filled with screaming 5 year olds running around the back seat. Because you can hear the person ahead of you order, I knew exactly what I was getting into when I heard "Are you sure you want Beijing beef? That one might take awhile" and after a chorus of shrill screams of "NOOooooooooooooo! BEIJNG BEEF! BEIJING BEEF!" the mother said, "yes we'll wait."
But still, I kept going. I wanted Panda. It was not open for debate. I ordered my typical 3 entree plate with fried rice, 1 orange chicken, 1 kung pow chicken, 1 mandarin chicken. This is very important because I've calculated that it is the order with the highest meat per vegetable ratio.
Why is that important? Because vegetables are gross, that's why.
So, as I'm sitting there with my car turned off like a rational person... inhaling fumes from the expedition that has been idiling for 10 minutes, I think to myself, "John... you're stupid. You are an idiot. You could have had your pick of the fast food places here! There's Arbys, McDonalds, Subway-- even a Chick-fil-et! Heck, you could have even baked a chicken breast at home by now. Why on earth would you subject yourself to this?! It's ridiculous! The only thing that could make this better is to go home and write a scathing review on Yelp. And then your three yelp friends will read it. And then Panda Express will rue the day they ran out of Beijing Beef! They'll rue the Hell out of it!"
But as I pulled forward and the dreamy drive-thru girl handed me the plastic bag full of sweet saturated fat and hydrogenated oily goodness... well the heat of the leaking cardboard containers must have melted my heart. And after eating the whoooooole thing, I found myself forgetting the 20 minutes of annoyance... and just remembering the good times... specifically, the 10 minutes of stuffing my face.
4 stars, because I should know better... but I keep going back anyway.
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