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| - It may sound odd to you...but Rex has had many disappointments in life. Losing ones I loved. Being rejected by Starr Jones. Falling in love with a woman with no vagina. Being forced to give up my Faberge egg collection. Having 3 livers give out on me. Losing my Elite status on Yelp. These were traumatic. Some I have never recovered from...but I am strong. I am fierce. I am not one who needs to live in the past...I move forward. Onward and mostly downward...damn law against buying organs. Oh well.
I have had another bitter disappointment. Fatburger. I want to say that my love of burgers is almost as strong as my love for the three things that mean the most to me...Emma Stone's panties I bought on Ebay, my Real Doll (minus head), and the picture of me mugging James Lipton in Central Park. So when I heard the Beastie Boys sing about Fatburger, when I heard my friends talk about FatBurger I got excited. As excited as when my Mongolian nursemaid used to change me when I was a freshman in high school.
Well, this is not a story of long lost love. This is not a story of a guilty pleasure. This is the story of tears, screaming, two ambulances and 11 cop cars.
I will first start by saying that Rex does well in life. He wants for very little. So after I got done my panhandling shift on The Strip I decided to take my limousine...some call it a bus...to a Fatburger far away from that god forsaken place of broken dreams, Chlamydia, and overpriced drinks. This is not my first Fatburger experience...but three hours of gas fumes, and a trip after 2 weeks in county lockup is not a good way to prepare for an eating experience.
The first thing that happens to Fatburger is sticker shock...it is so damn expensive I honestly couldn't believe my eyes. I thought that years of sucking on bottles of a watered down bleach/ammonia mixture I call "Blind Happiness" had finally done permanent damage. The prices are outrageous for any "fast food" burger joint. They charge 50 cents for CHEESE...REGULAR CHEESE!!! How the hell can anyone justify asking 50 cents for cheese on a 9 dollar burger? They have some gall. I haven't seen that kind of gall since the time I watched a guy take someone's kidneys while he was sleeping. It was amazing what you can do with two sleeping pills and a hacksaw.
Rex can live with high prices...IF...IF things are good. Here is the best part. The burgers suck. They are dry. They are over cooked. The cheese is bland. The toppings are flavorless. They need a special sauce or something to make their burgers worth ten bucks. Two of us ate burgers, fries and drinks...for 25 bucks!! 25 bucks!! Here is what is the biggest crime...Burger King is better. Mcdonalds is better. Wendy's is better. Forget the really good places like In and Out or Smashburger...oh they are off the charts better. This is just a dry burger on a pedestrian roll with bland toppings. Fatburger is living off a name. Here is a name I have...RipOffBurger. This is awful. There is absolutely nothing special about this no matter how hard you try to find something...like Amanda Peet.
The shakes are bad and overpriced, the onion rings taste like they have been frozen previously, the fries were soggy and not crispy. There wasn't one good thing on the menu, and I say that with no exaggeration. EVEN THE SODA WAS WATERED DOWN TASTING! The mixture of the soda machine is desperately off.
To add insult to our already crappy experience. When I stood on the table, screamed that these robber barons should at least use a gun of they were going to rip us off...I was the one that the cops led out in handcuffs and leg shackles. It is truly a world gone mad. I think it was when I jumped over the counter and shoved their flavorless meat patties in the cooks mouth and screamed "now you know how your mom feels when I go to your house." The truth hurts too badly I guess.
Rex fights for you even though he hates you.
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