| rev:text
| - This is my real review.
It's a real problem. Yelp keeps taking it down.
But you need to know.
Review:
I can't say enough about the food here.
It won't help.
It wouldn't help cos, If you're reading this, you have no idea what Clever Koi is, and I don't have the patience to explain.
I don't have time to explain, you see, because I just locked myself in and I can already taste the tremors. ULike nickels of blood in the back of your mouth.
The fever hasn't hit yet but the checks in the mail that's for certain.
In cases like these, you'll learn to appreciate a good, solid deadbolt.
What I will tell you is this is an addiction. A life long fuck-all problem that you can never, ever, cure.
The bite of a Koi, though without teeth, is a thick somnambulant drug administered liberally; a savory slow venom trickle down your spine which there is no known antidote.
I was hooked instantly. One bite.
Clever Koi is My heroine.
I'm not gonna tell you how you're gunna crawl on your knees, begging like a mendicant at their door.
There are some meals you will always chase. Somethings go to deep to be raised from your body like a tattoo lifted by a burning coat hanger.
I can't help you.
I'm not here to give you advice.
There is a number you can call: #1-800-821-HELP.
Maybe they can help. Talk you down.
Maybe you're like me, without Betty Ford money or maybe you're to "respectable" to have such a scandal stain your families history.
We're not here to judge.
I do have something that might right you, temporarily. Get you back on your feet. For a short while.
How long it lasts, depends on you.
I'll post the recipe below. Free. You don't owe me.
There is no charge. But...
Maybe one day you help somebody.
Somebody in the throws, skin leaking, bed shat, pleading
("please, like, just a small score to sooth the pain, like.")
& then fighting with you.
("I just need one more FUCKING HIT!")
Give them this. I hope it helps.
*RECIPE:
The "Sick-Boy" Method:
Relinquishing junk. Stage one, preparation.
For this you will need one room which you will not leave. Soothing music.
Tomato soup, ten tins of. Mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold.
Ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of. Magnesia, milk of, one bottle. Paracetamol, mouthwash, vitamins. Mineral water, Lucozade, pornography.
One mattress.
One bucket for urine, one for feces and one for vomitus.
One television and one bottle of Valium, which I've already procured from my mother, who is, in her own domestic and socially acceptable way also a drug addict."
And now You're ready.
As for me...heh, I Clever Koi is open...and I just need one for fuckin hit.
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