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  • It is with the most humble apology that your culinary God...Sexy Rexy Marvin must begin this review. The lovely and talent Rex Marvin would love to say that he was in a ashram, hiding out in a Russian airport, living comfortably in the folds of Kirstie Alley's neck or hiding in the beautiful bathroom of Taylor Swift watching her shower for months on end. Alas, while these are all true...it is not the reason that Rex had abandoned you. It is traumatic. It is incendiary. It is so shocking that the world must know Rex's story. The world must tell Rex it will be all right...the same way his nanny, Jerry Sandusky would as a young boy...okay...maybe not that way. Rex has been a loner. A rebel. A lover. A fighter. A man. An interior decorator. All these things and more. The women love Rex. Rex loves the ladies...for 3.6 seconds. The women love Rex again. Rex loves them for 4.5 seconds. The dance continues...for no longer than 51 hours. A rule. A guideline. A Rex life lesson to all of you. Get out early. Get out early with their cash and electronics! REX COMMANDS YOU! REX COMMANDS YOU SEND ME THOSE ELECTRONICS! Rex must hang his head in shame. Rex...broke the commandments. Rex fell in love. Rex saw her...she looked so perfect roasting that snake under a bridge. She smiled. Rex smile. She removed her dentures. Rex licked his lips. She gummed what turned out to be an old garden hose. Rex danced giddily in delight. Rex was in love. She said amazing things like Jamie Foxx is the antichrist, rabbit feces is better with blueberry jam not blueberry jelly, rub two sticks on your third toe at the same time while screaming the words to "The Greatest Love of All" and you will live to be 90. Rex nodded. Rex applauded. Rex asked her name. She uttered the most beautiful words a man could ever hear...Cesarean Section Clara Jingleheimer Schmidt Aloysius Hanks Spielberg Cranston Washington Carver Adams Jefferson Smith. But her friends call her Dirty Doves Delores. Rex asked her if she had doves...she said to Rex...what are doves? Rex was in love. The first two weeks were amazing. Rex and "Dovey" as Rex called her were inseparable. The bridge. The dumpster. The bathroom. The county jail. It was like Dovey was a gift from above...like the time Rex stood under Shaq and ate the crumbs that fell out of his mouth while he snacked on a sub. THAT gift from above. The best gift. Until...the unforgivable. Rex just won the 3rd fight in the International Hobo and WB/CW Television "stars" Bum Fight Tournament. (That Nina Dobrev can take a punch.) When to Rex's surprise Dovey was making out with...a cement statue of Judd Nelson...and not even from the Breakfast Club years. Oh no! Rex screamed. Rex yelled. Rex was suddenly hit over the head by Judd and awoke locked in a metal box. Rex lived on what crawled in for 6 months...only to discover...the worst fate of all...the 6 foot metal box was really...the WNBA's feminine hygiene holder! FYI...very comfortable but disturbingly long. When Rex finally was freed by a large Ukrainian woman Rex raced back to Las Vegas. Rex needed a rest. Rex decided to check into The Plaza hotel. It was CHEAP. It had been renovated in the last few years. It was a port from the storm. Those WNBA chicks might need freakishly long tampons but they tossed Rexy some money so they are good in Rex's book. Rex was put in one room. The room was nice. It has a king bed, a couch. The amenities were nice. The problem was that Rex had to MOVE THE MATTRESS to find a plug for his "cell phone". (Two tin foil wrapped paper cups.) That is not good. The switch to turn on and off the lamp was on the opposite side of the bed. So it was oddly placed if you were laying down tired from huffing too much oven cleaner. Rex went out. Then when he got back there was a BIG bug in the bathroom. He wanted it cleaned...THE MADE REX CHANGE ROOMS...walk all the way to the other tower...where there was NOT a king bed, it was two queens. Rex MUST have a king. Then Rex complained...but he had to complain to some random dude because no one picked up the phone at the desk. Rex had to put everything in his cheese cloth and walk BACK...to the desk...AGAIN...then they put him in a room in the first tower! 3 rooms. 1 night. While there was a renovation the place isn't well thought out. The second room had lots of plugs. The first one didn't. The third had one near the door. The rooms all had some little quarks and oddities...just like Rex's little Dovey. OH DOVEY WHY JUDD NELSON!! WHY JUDD!!!! Rex will never touch Dovey again...she was defiled...Rex will not stay at The Plaza again...he was annoyed. An annoyed Rex is a loudly screaming and crying until hotel security broke down the door and throws him out the back door Rex. (Good to be back LV...Rex has missed you!)
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