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| - I'm with Bourdain: Down with cupcakes. They're awkward, top-heavy, and hard to eat. Yuppies, debutantes, and bored, spoiled housewives endorsing them as of late doesn't make me want to eat them.
Now, Gobs are where it's at, and I've been eating them since I was a lad, long before the young and affluent discovered them, as if they didn't exist until a cute, 20-ish (and single and marriage-minded) event planner out of a sappy romantic comedy tasted one.
You know how it's been said that the icing makes the cupcakes? Well, it applies to Dozen's Gobs. The icing is the only reason for these to be. Like most of everything else I ordered today at Dozen, the cake tasted like it was 3 days old. I now have four or five left to eat. Hey, after the coin I blew on these in this economy, I'll hold my nose and finish them.
I mean, the Get N Go down the street has way better, bigger, and cheaper Gobs than what you'd find here, some of the very best I've ever had in fact. And they have red velvet ones too, just like Dozen does. Chic.
Blame my Dozen encounter on a $10 gift certificate my mom got and just couldn't get around to using herself.
I figured I might as well get my pre-shift meal here too today, so I got a Chicken Salad sandwich.
I almost got a quiche, but my machismo said, "HELLZ NO, BRO!" I kid the quiche. My sister makes a good one.
Meanwhile, the sandwich comes with Miss Vickie's brand kettle-fried tater chips, which were pretty dern good.
The sandwich on the other hand suffered from bread that was tougher than the old,monied Fox Chapel broadsword who passed me on the way in and chicken that was a tad on the dry side.
Get this, the sandwich/chips combo alone was over 8 bucks, no drink or dessert included! Deli on Butler's massive Tutti is under $7 and can easily feed two people.
Most of the other stuff I ordered wasn't sampled by me and the family until I got home from work.
2 Oreo Rice Crispy Treats: They should call them Styrofoam Rice Cakes. The Circle K a few blocks away sells Kellogg's Rice Krispy Treats that own Dozen's version like experienced gamers own n00bs. And again, they're cheaper also. Yes, the neighborhood Circle K and Get N Go, not to mention Subway, have already trumped this oh-so-trendy example of slap-in-the-face gentrification but good.
Dozen's Crispy Treats (and other pastries) are big, I'll give them that. I just cut one of them in half as I wrote this, but Circle K sells ones that are almost as big (but longer and flatter) and cost half as much. I'm not fibbing.
2 Brownies: These were ok, I guess. No icing topped these, just powdered sugar, but like the Gobs, they seemed a bit stale. Are organic pastries supposed to taste like crumbled-up fodder to be thrown to birds?
1 Chocolate Chip Cookie: I had the nice, brainy-looking dreadlocked kid (what a racket college is, eh?) put this in with my lunch as it just happened to catch my eye. How a bakery makes this confectionary staple is a test, and Dozen grudgingly passes. It's soft and is refreshingly and surprisingly not that sweet or rich (which I'll admit I greatly dig in a choco chip puck). So yeah, Dozen at least does those acceptably well.
2 Blondies: To their credit, they're chewy and have a nice and crunchy coconut-shaving exterior, but they're also more sickeningly saccarhine than an episode of "Full House". Do blondies really need raisins in them???
2 Peanut Butter Fudge Crunch Thingamajigs:I forget what they're actually called, but these were the highlight of my experience to be candid. They're basically Rubik's Cube-sized blocks of fudge with some oatmeal (?) on the bottom layer. Not bad, not bad.
Oh, wanna know about the damage? I still have the receipt.
$31.92.
#$%&*!?!?!!!???
I was almost gonna give them 3 stars until I was reminded of the bill.
And while we're on that subject, the skittish (does a violent gay mafia own the entire Dozen chain?) hippy-dippy people minding the store have a tip jar and a sign reminding us that we can put gratuities on our credit cards if we want to.
Mmmhm...
Each and every South Hills bakery I frequent powerbombs this joint into the Earth's core. If they try to open one in my domain, they're gonna find themselves on Bad Street. Stay outta my neighborhood.
Oh you don't want none of Party Cake, Kribel's, Pastries-A-La-Carte, Bethel, or Potomac.
In the meantime, I hope another old-fashioned sweet shop opens nearby and kicks Dozen's ass. May it happen another 4 to 5 times throughout the city after that.
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