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| - It never ceases to amaze me what people get used to. Over the years I have clung to people, places and things without even thinking much about it. When I was a child I had my favorite used needle. My homeless friend, Sir Albert Bottomtop used to sit with me for hours on a park bench telling me fantastic stories. He told me about the time he stabbed Peter O'toole in the leg after a drinking binge. How he once walked in on Helen Mirren, a donkey and 20 ping pong balls. How once he tackled Winston Churchill to the ground and pink bellied him until finally Chamberlin pulled him off and they all laughed. I cried when he told me about mentioning in passing how hot Wallis Simpson was. Great stories.
One day I rode my tricycle to our bench and saw him...he was a beautiful shade of blue. He was clutching a needle. I took it. I had that needle until I was arrested in Finland for kicking Paavo Lipponen in between the legs and screaming "this is for cooperating with the Stasi." I smiled before those rotten fish eaters tackled me and my beloved needle fell smashing against the ground. My tears flooded the modern, sleek and tiny toilet in my cell. IKEA sucks.
After that was a blur of soda pop bottle tops, used underwear, a bra from Estelle Getty, the first place trophy from the Uganda "Rock, Sissors, Paper" championship, and a stuffed gerbil from an actor I can't legally name. Suddenly today...I realized that I am still holding on to things that bring me comfort. I realized after I woke up in an abandoned floral nursery and all I could smell was rotting tulips, goat feces (don't ask), and the smell of carne asada...and I felt the word roll off my lips...Roberto's.
Roberto's...I have mixed feelings about Roberto's...I have had some great meals and some horrible dishes depending on the location...so I am making this review LOCATION SPECIFIC! If a duck just fell out of your ceiling with 100 dollar bill...LOCATION SPECIFIC...were the secret words of the day. Congratulations.
I want to start with the best thing on the menu...the Carne Asada Chimmichanga. The Chimmichanga is always good...but one tip...ask for it to be extra crispy. The shell goes from Conan O'Brien with a slight tan color to Cindy Crawford on a bikini photo shoot color...golden brown but not over done. Second, never get the steak. I will always say this...Roberto's steak sucks. Get the chicken...or...the best one...the carne asada. Pork. Crispy shell. Did I say pork? Well, read it again...even the word is perfect...think about how you can use it in a sentence. "I ate great pork this weekend." OR "I gave Emma Stone the pork this weekend." Both are beautiful. Both make me want to watch the video of that action with my pants down.
Tacos...are great. The Burritos are good if you observe the meat rule, and the shrimp is surprisingly good. The refried beans are good, and the rice sucks. The super nachos (carne asada) are a hangover godsend. The chule relleno are hit and miss. The taco rolls WITH guacamole are amazing. The red sauce is good, but not the best.
Roberto's is like having sex with a 400lb chick with no teeth...sometimes you get lucky and it is great. Sometimes 30 seconds in you wish you were anywhere else. Drunk is ALWAYS better.
You dream of Rex. Rex dreams of someone else. You dream of Rex more.
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