| rev:text
| - "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. It has been 2 years since my low, 2 star review for Mr. Hero's. But once I explain, you'll see that I shouldn't be held accountable. Hardly a deliberate transgression, it was more a truthful, innocent "omission"---only because I didn't re-visit sooner. Full responsibility for my less-than-glowing review lies with Mr Hero himself, since he started it all.
In so many words, I wrote how much I didn't agree with the asinine decision of Hero's corporate "geniuses'" to dispense with the high quality hoagie rolls they'd used for *decades* in favor of super-soft squishy ones with likely 6 month shelf lifes. I couldn't help being honest. They had "fixed" something that wasn't broken, father. Offering an unnatural substitute---like Wonder Bread for grown-ups---might not be evil, but it's close. Over-processed billowy weightless air-filled ves---
(Audible yawn.)
...air-filled vessels of fluff, and not of this earth. Since that review, whenever I happened to drive past this Mr Hero's, I never gave them a fleeting glance. And without hesitation, every Hero coupon arriving at my home in newspapers or advertising was added to the stack of recyclable junk mail. But then, a couple of months ago, an epiphany. After a nearly two year abstinence---albeit effortless---I had the sudden realization that I really truly missed those unmistakably and uniquely Mr Hero *flavors*. I decided to try replicating.
Although their Tuna salad was very good, mine is excellent, so no need there. If this is a sin of pride, so be it, father. Mine IS damned excellent. Amen. I went to work on the ones enjoyed the most: their Original Italian, Romanburger, and Hot-Buttered Cheesesteak. By using the best cold-cuts, freshest cheese onions mushrooms lettuce tomatoes oils seasonings, and even Black Angus ground chuck, sliced roasted sirloin, and Orlando Bakery's expire-within-hours hoagie rolls, they turned out great. But honestly? Still failures. They lacked Mr Hero's *SOUL*. Certain "somethings" were missing---namely their impossible-to-find mild Swiss American and their impossible-to-duplicate "original blend of Italian oil and spices". None of my creations had those incomparable, inimitable FLAVORS.
(Muffled hip-hop...Dr. Dre.)
So, I weakened, father. Just suck it up, I told myself. Forget about that squishy Hero dough. Pretend it isn't there. In truth, with all that airiness, that wouldn't be hard to do since it almost WASN'T there. I'd try them again and instead of thinking about that bread, I'd enjoy all the other parts.
I didn't know it then, father, but in my SUV, on the road to Mr Hero, I was on the road to my redemption for that 2 star review.
An unexpected Revelation and about ten tasty visits since! And each time, a multiple variety of well-prepared favorites on fresh, substantial rolls very much like the ones from the past. As it turned out---per one of the owners those newly-introduced rolls from two years ago went through even FURTHER transformations. I had cut Mr Hero off---before those corporate geniuses had managed to screw their heads back on.
(Snoring sounds.) Father?...Father? (Throat clearing.)
Anyway...because of the harsh---but honest---references to SUBWAY in that review, I was thinking it would only be fair to give THEM another try, too. Maybe THEIR hoagie rolls had gone through mindless corporate changes just like Mr Hero's. But NOW, since Jared Fogel---Subway's former spokesperson and soon-to-be-registered sex offender---just pleaded guilty to child porn and child sex...yeah...I know...all too-familiar sounding...I think I'll wait a bit to work up a healthy enough appetite. And, sorry to rub more seasoned hoagie salt into any wound---
couldn't help myself---it's *alleged* that Subway knew about his perverted penchant while in their employ. hmmm.
("hmmm.")
So---onto penance, father. Frankly, I don't feel I deserve any. With this update, I'd say a dispensation is in order."
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