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| - La Ronde's most salient feature is that it's located on "The Island." So, before delving into this review, I think it's worthwhile to do a quick recap of various famous events taking place on islands:
1) Three Mile Island
2) Blackbeard's demise at Ocracoke
3) Bay of Pigs
4) Lost
5) The Minotaur
6) Australia (generally)
7) Hiroshima/Nagasaki
8) Pearl Harbor
I'm hoping that you notice a trend developing. Islands are meant to trap, and it seems that La Ronde takes full advantage of this fact and then some. Many of the roller coasters are placed on the periphery, where their extremes put you tantalizingly close to the bridges leading back to safety, the extraction "ponts."
Upon arrival we studied the signs carefully. While we were on vacation, we were still mere mortals and needed to remain budget-conscious. $45 was on the high-end, but doable. We had come this far, needing excitement, food, and a place to pee in whichever order we could find. Two of us stepped to the ticket windows, handing over credit cards to their respective tellers. "That'll be $51," said one. We were taken aback. Had the prices suddenly jumped $6 in a few mere minutes? Had the greedy hand of Le Man again wrapped his chapped, demin-gloved hand around our dangling seed packs? Regardless, this was six dollars too far. The first of our group declined and requested a moment to reconsider. However, the other teller had not been as forthcoming and had already swiped for payment. No refunds.
We spitefully followed suit, and moments later walked to the gates with four over-priced slips of paper. We were determined to get our money's worth. What comes next would not be best served as a narrative, but as a presentation of evidence to you, the jury, in order to prove beyond a reasonable doubt La Ronde's guilt in a "merde most foul."
Exhibit A: The food court. If one follows the natural path leading into the court, you are first presented with the apparent crown jewel of French-Canadian cuisine: Indian buffet. If you are able to resist these immediate, low-hanging treasures, you are rewarded with a bevvy of exotic tastes such as "Subway," and "Dippin' Dots." We decided to continue our self-imposed experiment of "How Much Poutine Does It Take to Kill A Man?" Thankfully, the prices were roughly equal to the food offerings outside the park. Equal in the sense that a severed kidney rolled in paste and glitter is equal to a Faberge Egg.
Exhibit C: The Rides. In all honesty, I may be mistaken on this, but if I am, it's only because it's my first time in an amusement park that leaves numerous rides unattended and shut down on weekends in order to create a sort of meta-labyrinth of urban decay. Luckily, the coasters were open (sort of--explained later), and that's all we cared about.
Exhibit C-1: Le Monstre: Supposedly one of the biggest wooden coasters in America. Unfortunately, no one cares about size when it comes to wooden coasters. If they did, you could save a lot of money and falls down a redwood tree. Wooden coasters are all about a balance between feeling like you're going to die and actually dying. But I'm from NYC, so maybe The Cyclone has spoiled me.
Exhibit C-2: Ednor-L'attaque: A deeply thematic coaster that warms you up by making your queue snake through a short introductory rip-off of Indiana Jones, then chills you to the bone by making you spend another hour listening to Katy Perry as you watch weeping pre-teens forced to shamefully walk past you towards the exit. If you're still able to handle the terror when you board the ride, you're treated to a terrifying explosion of water that hits no one from two spouts that may or may not be aimed in the general direction of the ride. Also, it's 40 seconds long and takes over 2 minutes to exchange riders.
Exhibit C-3: Goliath: This coaster earns La Ronde the only star keeping it in positive numbers. The decently-long ride, high-capacity, and exciting drops make this the worthwhile and redeeming aspect of the entire park. Much like the warm towel left on your face in between waterboardings.
Exhibit C-4: The Cobra: It's hard to talk about this ride without falling into a blank-stare trance, not unlike a Vietnam vet. I cannot ever recommend this ride in good conscious. However, a near-perfect simulacrum can be had by standing in place for two hours, duct taping yourself to a wall (standing up), then have one friend violently shake your head while another repeatedly uppercuts you in the balls.
We could take no more. We were broken souls. I'm also running out of room. I leave you with two key points:
1) The same Island held POW camps during WWII. Officially they were shut down. Unofficially, they were renamed "La Ronde."
2) The Island is man-made from several smaller islands. It is, according to nature, not supposed to exist.
In other words: Liberate tutemae ex inferis.
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