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| - I've tried for the last 45 minutes to write a witty, coherent review about this place, but I can't. The immense, joy that borderlines the orgasmic that this place gives me is too overwhelming for grammar and convention.
Puny yelpers, feel the mighty wrath of another one of my nonsensical LISTS!
==Reasons Why After Coming To Chandler Cinemas I Am Convinced I Will Never Give Patronage To Another Theater In The Valley==
--$2 regular movies, and $6 special engagements! Why are we paying 7-9 dollars to these corporate theaters? Over 90 percent of that revenue goes back to the studios so they can finance yet another crime against humanity starring Reese Witherspoon as the sassy single blonde. Besides, what little money the chain theaters get from the box office, they don't deserve anyway. You'd agree with me if you ever met any of the executives of Harkins in person.
--Chandler Cinemas isn't just a place to see movies, it's a place to LOITER. There are arcades, a pool table, and even a bunch of COUCHES AND A BIG SCREEN TV! I'm not making this up. People actually sit around watching Comedy Central while waiting for their showtime. Harkins will throw you out for taking up the Dance Dance Revolution machine. And I know some of the more uppity theater patrons out there will scoff at all the teenagers climbing this place but dude, come the fuck on. You used to be that young with nowhere to go because unless it's a bar or sporting event there isn't shit to do around here. Get over yourself. The way I see it, if they're loitering in theater lobbies than they're not rear-ending people in parking lots or stealing from comic book shops. And that's a necessary evil I can handle. (In case your curious, the arcade machines they have include the original Simpsons side-scroller beat em up, Die Hard, Ms Pac Man, and Revolution X. Really, you haven't lived until you've played a game where the object was to shoot cds out of a machine gun.)
--The vibe. Look, I'M LEARNING TO APPRECIATE ATMOSPHERE. Some movies are so bad they're good. So naturally some places can be so low-brow and nasty that they're good. The floors are sticky and covered in popcorn. The walls of the lobby are plastered with movie posters and cardboard cutouts. The marquees over the theaters are those manual "put the letter in the box" kind that you see at gas stations. When you buy your ticket, you get your hand stamped. Like you're at a rock concert or amusement park. You know why they stamp your hand? So they don't have to check your ticket. Just shove that receipt all the way down to the bottom of your pants, dude, they don't want to see it.
--THEIR CONCESSION STAND HAS A VALUE MENU!!! CC's has the best concession stand menu ever. From M&M cookies to pizza, they have everything you shouldn't eat in a movie theater but will anyway. A small soda and small popcorn (small in bizarro world measurements, meaning that it feeds 3 people) are only $4. You know what $4 gets you at Harkins? A disapproving, nonplussed grimace from the employee, that's what. I think $4 gets you a bag of reese's pieces. Maybe. I can't remember the last time I had candy in a movie theater that I didn't already smuggle in. You ever wonder why I'm always carrying that Wonder Woman bag? It's not for the aesthetic! The moral of this story: I love CC because I can do the math.
--Last night I saw Goldfinger. Not the band, the Sean Connery-era James Bond flick with that famous bondage scene where the bad guy says "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die!" You know what came before that? 2 Hours of Bond Trailers! I got to watch the entire history of James Bond in 2 hours. Granted, I'm pretty sure I'm in the minority on the "people who likes trailers vs people who hate trailers vs people WHO FUCKING LOVE trailers" but this is my review, bitches! They have the best indie and B movie showings here. It's like those real, honest to Cthulu grindhouses I love but am totally not old enough to remember. Not to further express my blatant anti-Harkins bias, but I remember plenty of times that I've searched the entire Phoenix-Metropolitan area to see an indie film to find that they weren't showing it anywhere, not even at their precious little Camelview, which, let's face it, is not an independent theater, even if they show independent films. If Best Buy set up "Second To Best Buy" and sold only "indie" records, that wouldn't make them an independent record store. Holy shit, did I just develop the use of logic? I better not make this a habit, lest you all start expecting it from me.
Yeah, all that "variety is the spice of life" hippie bullshit is great and all, but I think I've found the only flavor of movie theater I will ever need for the rest of my sentence, I mean, time living in the valley.
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