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| - if you want to eat grossly overpriced scraps of terribly conceived / horribly executed food in the musty basement of a hipster social club, you've found the right spot.
an hour into brunch service, 3/4 of the "buffet" was empty. dirty cafeteria trays were provided for us to pick through the scrapings of whatever stuck to the bottom of empty pans while we waited for the kitchen staff to debate whether or not they felt like working the other 4 hours of their shift and refill any of it... because, you know, life is hard and #whoworksonsundays?
a salad of unseasoned elbow macaroni, old greens, and oil was a great start. the stale "garlic bread" resembled used pizza crust pulled from the trash can, a great compliment to the flavorless hummus that had a grainy texture you'd find while wiping the day after eating an entire container of peanuts. the pizza options, all of which appeared to have been cooked under their respective heat lamps for the last 18 hours, were all tainted by an overwhelmingly foul taste of olives. biscuits and gravy? non existent, unless I wanted to combine crumbs and the cold crusted edge of gravy overflow onto the steam table. french toast sticks? nah, but I could have eaten spoonfuls of crumbs and cinnamon sugar. bacon? nope, but I could have soaked up the fat in the pan with a napkin and sucked on it for satisfaction. crispy potatoes! those were average. great way to supplement the default ketchup diet that was about to be embarked on. zucchini fritters.. my god. fried in oil that clearly hadn't been changed since the first hipsters invaded lawrenceville, these pucks of stiff, oily, filth would not only suck all of the moisture out of your body, but may continue on to take your soul if you don't stop to take a drink of Flint's finest imported tap water (complimentary to the table!).
wait, a new pan of food! my curiosity runs wild... quiche! I really could have gone for some quiche. the guy in front of me scoops out a rectangle of something that resembles a stiff custard, the outer crust giving up and falling away like a dry scab. I'm there and haven't had anything that resembles a meal, so I take it. it jiggles like a jar of warm vaseline and has a gummy brown filth on top. still no bacon as a life preserver. a few biscuits have appeared and a half full pan of gravy... take two biscuits, scoop gravy from the depths. sausage and sage? ok, could be safe. I sit and try the biscuits... cold, doughy, smothered in a flour heavy lava with crumbs of what could be sausage. I'd prefer an MRE. move to the "quiche". what in the mother f***... a closer look reveals a look of gelatinous tofu, tastes nothing of eggs, cream, herbs, or anything else that a quiche is made from. pure unadulterated filth. i want to throw up but i couldn't lose the precious calories from potatoes and ketchup. I quit. the coffee is as terrible as expected.
$15 for that experience. unreal what people consider to be respectable food and atmosphere. please close your kitchen, and may god have mercy on your souls.
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