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| - . CART OF DARKNESS
I was on a mission at Drug Mart that would turn out to be apocalyptic. Compelled to see it through to the end, nothing was going to stop me from accomplishing my objective despite the wide array of intriguing, confusing, sometimes head-scratching diversions along the way. On arrival, I chose my craft. Good. Not too wobbly or pulling hard to one side. Before pushing off, I reviewed my list---pastrami (4 star), salami (5 star) (both Eckrich---great sale prices), old-style 60W light bulbs (rare, nearing extinction), yellow highlighters, and plastic twist-tie gallon storage bags. I was ready---and for anything else that might catch my eye. Commencing my journey, I headed up-aisle with a wall of medicinals and oral hygiene products starboard. Navigating one way, then another, I loaded the intended items along my serpentine route, mooring occasionally as other curiosities caught my interest. All these distractions weren't blotting out why I was here---the real reason.
I was here to get shot. With whatever ammunition was being used---be it Afluria, Fluarix, Fluzone, or other---so I wouldn't contract some dreaded malignant flu bug. The lunchmeat and plastic diversions were provisions I needed anyway, and the few unexpected oddities I momentarily studied only heightened the realization of the true purpose of this operation. One which wouldn't be delayed much longer.
Cruising down-aisles, up-aisles, and side-aisles, I moved swiftly along narrow passages---at times requiring slower, more cautious maneuvering in order to avoid step stools, mechanical lifting apparatus, point-of-purchase displays, and smiling employees re-stocking. I sailed past innumerable products in a full spectrum of colors---hanging from hooks, lined along shelves, in boxes, bottles, and bags. Some items seemed to dart at me, coming into sharper focus. I'd pull over and examine them further. Then, above the shoppers' din, "dah-dah...dahdah-DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH-dahdah.....dah-dah...dahdah-DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH-dahdah...I can't GET no satisFACtion...I can't GET no girlie ACtion...and I TRIED..." I hummed along to myself as I rode the waves of commercial grade flooring past shiny glossy colorful cosmetics, vibrant splashes of red, pink, and glitter in a stretch of Valentine cards, varied necessities and non-necessities, school supplies and garden supplies, furnace filters, and toe nail fungus ointments. There it was in the distance---just beyond an end cap. Reducing speed, filled with expectation, I rolled toward my final destination---the pharmacy.
About 12 hours later...
A sharp pain---excruciating, stabbing---awakened me in the middle of the night. Had I just had a nice size chunk of flesh torn from my arm by some wild rabid creature that had managed to gnaw and claw its way through a foundation crack, and crawl right into my bed? Quickly sitting straight up like a mattress spring, my eyes wide open unblinking, all was still and silent, and really really REALLY dark---like pitch---except for my new L.L.Bean alarm clock glowing 2:23 or thereabouts. Oh, how I wanted this to be a nightmare, but it wasn't. It was too real, unmistakably intensely real---throbbing pulsating agony. Was it possible my arm was just hanging from my shoulder by a thick twisted thready sinew? THE HORROR ! THE HORROR !
Surrounded in blackness where the terrifying thing could be lying in wait, hidden from my sight and poised to fling itself at my face, I slowly reached for my surely tattered arm with my free trembling hand. Owwch! It was still attached. Phew. Then it must be badly infected, probably hideously discolored, too! Now it's official. I'm panicked. Madly stripping the bandaid off on my way, the sudden harsh illumination from the bathroom globes confirmed it looked quite normal in the mirror. Healthy, even. Yikes! What was THIS all about. If I HAD been dreaming, I would have been in the peak stage of the Black Death. I grabbed the "Intra-muscular Vaccine" handout sheet and tried to read it. The blurry words---I was probably not 100% awake yet---appeared to be in some foreign language. I couldn't recognize what I'm certain were letters and characters we're all accustomed to seeing. A's, R's, #'s, even *'s. After a couple of high-dose painkillers to knock myself out, I'd try again when I came to.
~~~~
You'll be wise to heed my warning. DO NOT BELIEVE everything you read, nor everything you hear. You may not know it, but they probably hate your guts. "It won't feel like the flu."..."You might feel weak and a little sore."..."Maybe a slight fever...it's nothing." Yeah, yeah, yeah. After 5 or so in the past, THIS one was super potent. IT HURT LIKE HELL !---but way better than being DEAD. Be brave, and get yours, too. All the natives here are friendly, so I'll be back cruising their scenic, well-stocked aisles again. And---for a flu shot a year from now, too.
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