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| - My dog is 11 and has never had her nails clipped. They get filed down on a regular basis on the pavement because she can't walk like a normal dog, she scuttles sideways and pulls on her leash with all her 15-pound hefty might like she is hauling a 150 pounds of meat (me) to a special hiding place. Sometimes when we are outside, I am ashamed of her. She is a mixed breed, a Pomeranian with some Border Collie in the woodpile, which makes her an asshole with OCD. Woof woof woof, herd herd herd, woof herd, woof woof, herd. Woof. The neurons in her tiny brain could light an entire metropolis. If Eevee the Pokemon and Bugs Bunny's Tasmanian Devil had a baby, it would be Betty. She has cute bright eyed anime features with gnarly hunch back. While it is not wrong to cross a Pom with a Border Collie, it's not quite right either. But we love her. Her story goes like this: She's an angel who came from heaven, was a total asshole up there, peed in the clouds, lay turds behind the harps, and so she had her wings ripped off (you can totally see the fur demarkations on her back where they once were, I'm not kidding) then got sent back to earth to redeem herself. So far, she is still an asshole.
She is the type of dog that has an undercoat, those white soft tufts of fur that poke out on her hind legs and neck scruff. When we wash her at home, the tufts come out like crazy when she dries and her fur gets everywhere. Vacuum, ugh, then lint roll all the black yoga pants. Brushing her makes more fur fly. So a few ago, the lovely Niki from Crystal Pet Care, was canvassing the neighbourhood, introducing the new shop, I kept her card and waited til prime shedding season to get Betty a spa day.
Last week, I brought her in for a special de-shedding shampoo condition treatment, nail cut (finally!), and teeth brushing. I warned Niki. Betty is an asshole. But as I hoped, Niki is a dog whisper, one of those people who believes no dog is an asshole, only probably people are assholes, therefore I am an asshole. Betty is so cute, she said, and we'll call you in a couple of hours when she is ready. I left. She ran to the glass door. Wooof woof wooof wooooof. I looked up at the clouds in the sky as I walked on the sidewalk and could see one of them was indeed pee stained.
Niki called a couple of hours later, Betty is ready! Seriously I was fully expecting her to say that they couldn't get anything done and that Betty was crazy. But no, when I came to pick her up, Betty was in the doggy lounge, and yes, she was barking, and herding this one ancient Labrador that had a weary kill-me-now expression on his face. Niki said she liked some things but others (nail clipping) not so much. She likes to have her way, is how she put it. If Betty was a human, she'd be some sad sack's wife, that's for sure. He would probably go to the corner store for some beef jerky and never come home.
Betty came out, she looked exquisite, all shiny and sleek. She even trotted out elegantly. Ok, not really, she scuttled out, her usual Quasimodo way but her ears were perkier, her plume of a tail seemed whiter. The tufts on her hind legs were all gone. Oh yes, btw they express the anal glands there too. That is not a DIY at-home activity, trust. It's now days later and she is still soft and no tufts. The whole deal came to $56 and she has her own toothbrush that they keep there with her name on it, as though it matters if they share. They are dogs, they sniff each other's butts. But it's good to know. If cleanliness is next to godliness, then Betty has redeemed herself at least a little bit. Oh, and by the way, "Crystal" isn't a person, they gave Betty a crystal charm for her collar, kind of like the one in Rosemary's Baby, but for health and cuteness, not for Satanic purposes. Hopefully.
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