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  • Not the red lobster I grew up on. When I was a kid, and it was fancy food time, we went to red lobster. When something great happened and it was time to celebrate, we went to red lobster. We dressed up for red lobster. We were on our best behavior for red lobster. Red lobster was the real deal. When you walked in to red lobster (after a red lobster person held the door open for you), it felt like you had just teleported to a wharf. Sometimes it felt like you were still on a fishing boat. You could almost feel the floor move. The lobsters in the tank looked alive. And when you left there were mints. Lots of mints. Now red lobster sucks. Red lobster is in a strip mall. No red lobster people hold the door open for you. All the lobsters look dead. Like turds. Dead turds. It doesn't feel like a wharf anymore. It feels like a basement. The soap in the bathroom smells like a mixture of bleach and fabuloso. There's no mints. Not everything was bad though. Our waitress was cute, despite that she had a bandaid on her face (presumably to cover a piercing or tattoo, which both look better than people with bandaids on their faces (except Nelly)). When we told them how pumped we were to really eat all the shrimp we could eat, they were very accommodating and excited for us. The biscuits are still good. There's just none of the red lobster feels. The only thing to celebrate was eating 157 shrimps. P.S. I forgot, but THERE'S NO FUCKING CROUTONS IN THE SALAD ANYMORE?!?! What the fuck good is a salad without croutons?
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