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| - I did it, I broke my solemn vow... I braved the self-absorbed yuppies and the tanned and coiffed mommies in $100 Lulu Lemon yoga pants who've never broken a genuine sweat in their lives (Bikram yoga doesn't count, bitches!) and I went into Whole Foods with my husband and toddler. Previously I'd publically vowed that I wouldn't be caught dead in there. Well, curiosity got the best of me and not surprisingly it was packed elbow to elbow with other curious shoppers.
But OH MY GLOB, it was dazzling!! I was drawn in by the siren song of a bakery case filled with desserts too pretty to eat and prices high enough to deter you if you decided they were pretty enough to eat after all, and a salad and prepared foods section too varied and ginormous to describe, and a seafood and meats section across one wall, beckoning us with thick cut bacon, and exotic fishes and beautiful, marbled cuts of meat. And the cheese section? The mind boggles. It was all too much! I'm not exactly a bona fide gourmand so when the very helpful employee behind the seafood counter cheerfully offered me a free sample of the prepared seaweed salad I politely accepted it and took a tiny bite, immediately regretting it and wishing there was a discreet trash can where I could spit the green, slimy, masticated glob of seaweed out of my mouth. I gritted my teeth and swallowed. (And yes, in case you were wondering, it was EXACTLY like that kind of a swallow.)
Finally, I spied a package of small, bakery-made, vanilla Whoopie Pies over in the bakery area. Unhealthy, fattening and uniquely American: It speaks my language! In addition to the Whoopie Pies we also picked up some French cookies from the bakery, two small boxes of pasta salads from the salad/cold food bar, and a bottle of house wine on special; a sour and dry Moscato, that tasted nothing like any Moscato I've ever had and I hated it, immensely. Our total bill was about $50 for the 5 items, and we carried out our little grocery bag with $50 worth of groceries to our car.
Looking around the parking lot it appeared that we really were out of our element sporting a pro-life bumper sticker on one side of the back window, and the thrash Rivet band; Ministry bumper sticker on the other side, in a sea of Prius' with Obama '12 bumper stickers, and Subarus with World Wildlife Foundation stickers and ski racks. Clearly, we are NOT their signature clientele. Would I go back? Probably. This is definitely the place to get that hard to come by ingredient for a special recipe. But I'd only venture back with a bigger wad of money and healthy dose of cynicism for the image Whole Food's target demographic exudes about their 'healthy' lifestyle in mind, body and spirit.
*snorts heartily* Oh, and remember those Whoopie Pies I bought at this veritable mecca of health food??? They ended up being the most unhealthy, butter dripping, sugary deliciousness I've eaten since I was a carefree little kid with a stomach of iron. In fact they were SO disgustingly delicious and fattening that I could only tolerate a sliced off quarter of one per day, otherwise I literally felt greasy and queasy. Bravo, Whole Foods, it appears we are not so dissimilar after all!
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