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  • Dear Krispy Kreme, ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FAT AGAIN? Listen, I was perfectly fine with you slowly slipping away from my life. Like an old flame, I chose to remember you fondly, than pine for your return, because I know what you coming back into my life: me pigging the hell out on Chocolate Iced Custard Filled donuts. I don't need that kind of abuse again in my life I was fine with you relocating. The fact that the nearest KK from where I live is in the shitty end of Independence Blvd in Matthews made it easy for me to not want to get in my car and slowly drive past your door like a jilted lover. Like that line in "Thunder Road," I screamed your name at night in the streets. Quitting you was hard, oh so hard, but I finally learned to let you go. So when I learned that you, you heartless, lovely, evil, passionate she-devil, you were opening a new location at the Walmart shopping center in Indian Land, just a short - and I mean SHORT - drive from my humble abode, I did not greet this news well. The longing had returned. As did the guilt. And shame. And a desperate need to reconnect with you, even if you'd wronged me. If loving you was wrong...well, you know. Sure, sure, you told me this was all part of your "brand reboot," but you're not fooling me, Witchy Woman. This "brand reboot" is nothing more than a cruel conspiracy against me, to tear me away from the idyllic life I'm currently leading, one that's filled with organic fruit and protein drinks, and not your fattening yet earthy delights. She-devil! I won't lie though: I missed you. Did you miss me? Did you hear me whisper your name to the wind, the way Jane Eyre cried out for Edward Rochester? I missed your donuts. I missed the way they made me feel, so full of life yet so dirty. And your Chocolate Iced Custard Filled donuts...oh, so delicious, just like I remembered you, the custard so creamy as if suckled from the bosom of the gods. Wow. I'm getting all hot and bothered right now. And possibly diabetic. And I've been healthy for years. When I'm on my deathbed, dying from custard shock, will you cradle me in your arms? Will you? WILL YOU? Are you happy now? Is this what you wanted? Of course you do. You make quittin' you hard. I love you.
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