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| - Homeqwik,
Let me begin by making it clear what my intentions are for this email. I seek no further monetary reward, apology letter, or any other thoughtless gesture that should help make one sleep better at night. We can be honest with ourselves... Those types of moves are set aside for decent establishments. I do however have one suggestion for this email and it entails printing out this email, framing the email, and hanging it up in your office for future tenants to read. Don't worry, I know your next thought was "who is going to pay for that frame?!" Have no fear, I will purchase the frame as I know funds are a little tight at the moment.
We shall now begin with the break down of our $150 move out assessment(maybe think about off shoring that job.. labor isn't what it used to be here.) I shall go in chronological order of the events. First the AC vent that appears to of fallen off the wall was reported the first or second week we moved in. As a matter of fact I am certain it was the second week because the first week we had no AC, therefore we couldn't possibly establish the air flow required to knock the vent off the wall, come to think of it, it may have been the sweat dripping off my forehead that knocked it off. Sometimes those darn AC vents just blow off the wall when they haven't had any AC action for awhile... $884.71 prorated rent without AC. $45 for an AC vent. Telling your property management group it came off the wall on it's own the second week and having no one repair it in our 12 month tenure.. Priceless.
Secondly I noticed you repaired the broken cabinet in the kitchen.. finally. I must ask, did you find the world's finest wood worker to handcraft a brand new custom cabinet for $145? From the flakes of super glue that were coming off the cabinet I would hope you only charged the original tenant $8, $7 for install and $1 for some of his used super glue. None the less that was also reported to Shannon right around the time our pool turned green for all five summer months for us to enjoy a pile of Shrek's bright green urine.
This repair might just be my favorite. With a grand total of two rooms needing $150 in "paint touch ups" I once again must ask.. Did you resurrect Picasso himself to come and "touch up" our walls because if so, please send him my best; I have always admired his work. What's so laughable about this "repair", is that we actually found the paint in the shed that was set aside for "touch ups" and believe it or not the paint was dried up more than my great grandmother. We didn't just stop there, we went to home depot to get an exact color match but since the paint was older than the house itself we could only get so close. Needless to say, the next time one of your houses needs "touching up" call me on my cell phone day or night and I'll bring my own brush, paint the walls, and I'll even do it with the paint brush between my butt cheeks for only $16. This way I can still enjoy the sensation of being raped without having to pay $150.
I admire your outstanding work of "fixing" the non-existent closet doors in the master bedroom. Is this one of those revolving charges for every tenant that stays there? Perhaps if we purchased this house it would come with a manual that reminds us if we ever rent the house to anyone to always charge for doors that were non-existent to begin with?(check the move in sheet, that is of course you keep documents like that) I don't want this all to sound like complaints because we did appreciate the "trash haul" of $75 dollars. What is so grand about this "repair" is those were unopened rocks and bricks purchased with our hard earned money in an attempt to turn the backyard into something more than a pile of dirt. I know class and quality isn't your thing but hey, we tried. We gave the next tenant a "do it yourself" Bob the Builder starter kit and you fined us $75. I was also thinking of leaving a vacuum for the bottom of the pool to clean up Shrek's mess but good thing we dodged another $75 trash haul fee there. Or would it of been $300? You know, to bring in seal team six to dive in and get it?
If you have made it this far I applaud your resilience and thick skin, at least it shows your listening skills far out weigh your property management skills. At this point some tenants may complain that their refund check wasn't sufficient enough, or perhaps some "won't be able to sleep until something has been resolved", or resort to calling someone's mom fat. Not I, I just like knowing there are people out there who have it far worse off than I do and feel the need to milk every last penny out of a house that may collapse in on itself if the next tenant has a truck with exhaust on it. I have to tell you, although it seems I may have complained a bit in this email, I'm just relieved that I no longer have to be home to tell the garbage man not to pick the house up every time he comes for bulk trash pick up.
Your former and never again tenant,
Bryan.
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