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| - Have you ever had a bobcat wipe it's ass on your Barry Bonds jersey, while it's still on your back, then sprinkle crumbled up peanuts all over your head, encouraging the entire left-field stands to stand up, applaud, and roar as they point and laugh at you? I have. Over the years, Bastard (Baxter) the Bobcat and I have developed quite the relationship. In fact, if it wasn't for my undying love for pussy, I would have clobbered this cat years ago.
The-Bobcat-chosen-to-represent-a-team-whose-official-mascot-is-a-snake aside, this park has it's ups and downs. Instead of telling you war stories of my past experiences at Chase Field, I've decided to break down the pros and cons in a list format.
:::::Pros:::::
1. Location - Centrally located in downtown Phoenix, it's difficult to beat the location of Chase Field. But I'm a sucker for downtown areas.
2. MILFS - Looking as if they are headed for Old Town Scottsdale, opposed to a baseball game, these bitches may not have the slightest idea about the sport, but they do a damn good job of providing me something to look at while walking to and from my seat.
3. Retractable roof - This assures an excellent temperature while watching the Dimondbacks finish in third place in the NL West.
4. Me - Anytime you are lucky enough to catch me at the game is a plus.
:::::Cons:::::
1. Fans - These are hands down the WORST fans in professional sports. Not only are these fans clueless, but they are shallow as a puddle of piss. Every time I go to a game, I have to double check the schedule to make sure it wasn't an away game. I guess I just expect a professional franchise to draw more than seventeen fans a game. And that's in April.
2. Baxter the Bobcat - Fuck him.
3. Concessions - It's a shame that I have to take out a loan every time I want to go to a game and get my drink on. But soaring concession prices aren't exclusive to Chase Field, I'm not foolish. However, the food at Chase Field is absolute horse shit. I'm old school, so I'm straight with a hot dog and some chicken strips, but I'm as good as fucked if I want anything less barbaric.
4. My buddy's leg tattoo - Yeah that's right, a leg tattoo. Nine times out of ten, if I'm at a D-Backs game, my buddy Hunt is with me. And ten times out of ten, my buddy Hunt is beyond shit-faced. So here I am, a Giants fan, walking around with a belligerent motherfucker with an Arizona Dimondbacks tattoo on his calf muscle, spilling beer on everybody within a 200ft radius, and shouting "YOU FUCKING SUCK DICK BITCH" to Eric Byrnes (back then) in front of every little child in the left field bleachers.
5. Luis Gonzalez - We get it, you love Luis Gonzalez. He had one good year. And that was due SOLELY to steroid use. Which happens to be the same reason you fans loathe Barry Bonds. Hypocrites.
6. Baxter the Bobcat - Yeah I know I already said it, but Fuck him again.
I'm sure I am leaving out tons of very crucial information, but hey, this works. Overall, it is a great park in an even better city. Although I now live in the Bay, and get to frequent a REAL ballpark (ATT Park), I really miss hitting up Chase with my buddy Hunt. I even miss him shouting "FUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUU" directly into my ear, at the top of his lungs, following a go-ahead homer by the D-Backs.
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