| rev:text
| - Things I Like That I Know I Shouldn't:
Pickle juice straight from the jar.
"Rock Star" by Nickelback.
A 4x4 with animal style fries from In-N-Out.
The "secret menu" is the best practical joke since Mariah Carey's movie career. It's not secret (In-N-Out has the damn thing posted on its website) and it's not much of a menu as it is just more combinations of food and condiments (except maybe the Grilled Cheese).
Yet for all my mockery, I myself am obsessed with this fast food phenomenon. Out of going to In-N-Out for two years, I haven't ordered anything off the "regular menu" in 23 months. And even then, I make one of my awestruck lackeys do it for me. It's become campus lore that if you owe Jetta a favor, expect visit In-N-Out holding a sheet of pink paper with the most nonsensical order in the history of lunch runs written on it in pink lettering.
Jetta helped you get a 90 on that test? Flying Dutchman with well done fries. Jetta came in on her day off to cover your shift in the computer lab? Grilled Cheese, light fries, and a neopolitan shake. Jetta talked your boyfriend into agreeing to a threesome with your and your best friend? You better keep it coming, because all 3x3s and animal style fries in the world will not get that harrowing, harrowing memory out of my fucking head.
While the life of a secret menu-aire may seem glamorous, it does have it pitfalls. Occasionally I send out for a protein burger (comes wrapped in a lettuce bun) and instead get a 2x2 with no condiments. Or I asked for "extra toast" and got a little baggie of slightly burnt buns. Oh, and who can forget the time I sent out for In N Out and got back a bag of McDonald's and a scolding on how it is very mean to write down an order with items that aren't on the menu. That's how I discovered McDonald's southwest chicken sandwich.
Following the secret menu is like following UFOs or cryptozoology. It's rewarding when you find a location that provides your mysterious heart attack sandwich, but other times you (or the person you sent to get your lunch) end up looking like an idiot in front of the cashier.
Still, the thrill of the plunder is worth the hassle and risk of embarrassment. Sure, that calorie bomb was never meant for human consumption, but fuck it, it was on the secret menu. It's practically a treasure.
I guess that's the ultimate joy of the In N Out experience. Getting something that (at least we are lead to believe) the average casual fast foodie does not get to experience. Fuck the casual eaters. Only real drive-thru pirates deserve the good shit.
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