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| - Come ON, Arizona! A Denny's on every major highway and by every Ramada? Denny's faux sit down dining fast food with insulting senior options tastes like giving up and giving in. To the American stereotype of food that's a fat and sugar cocktail and requires no palette challenge to nom. The colorful people I saw like the grizzled backpacker in the impossibly gaudy parrot take off on the Hawaiian shirt, the guy in the cowboy hat with super long whiskers who was kind of like meth head Willy Nelson glowering in a booth, the obese, commanding possibly Native American person of ambiguous gender sitting in a center table can't be made up. But, little was close by in terms of restaurants and it was dark.
If I was already there, I was going to try food off the Hobbit menu if I was going to eat anything because the burger with all possible breakfast foods slammed on top scared me, specifically hash browns bacon an egg cheese sauce on a cheese bun (did I miss anything?) So I ordered the Hobbit special red velvet pancake puppies and Shire skillet. My sentiment play by play as I tried the red dye 40 pancake puppies (basically deep fried donut holes with a Duncan Hines frosting sauce) as it debased my will power was this. The effect was indescribable, but I tried:
Mmm...self loathing.
I can see the appeal. It is soul food..but like for the writhing, loathing child inside the soul. Sugared fried crusted food with a sugar dip and red dye 40 for your tormented, writhing inner child..
Like, what the people in the hell fire Bosch paintings want is pancakes...pancake puppies. This kind of thing makes one's will power fat. Puritans no doubt made it illegal because it causes impure thoughts.
Who wouldn't agree to anything if their hungry ghost is continually being fed?
Occupy Wall Street? Eff that, I want yum yums. I'm occupying this spot right herr.
Omnomnom..yes Patriot Act.. Omnom... bring our troops home.
Oh my god, it's a symphony of fats sugars and preservatives. It will survive plastic.
Even this garlic bread is perfectly calibrated...
Pancake puppies are the equivalent of (redacted) in the dark to Disney movies. (I was being edgy.) Meaning they're the Kathy Geiss of food.
The shire skillet was a hot oval pan of two okay somewhat runny inside poached eggs, home fries, pepper and a large, somewhat grainy, unfrozen smoking sausage. The Hobbit myth of the "Shire second breakfast skillet" and large hot plate appealed to my senses of abundance. I doused it in Cholula and kind of enjoyed it. Even though I acted like a hipster at Applebee's, I did enjoy the Shire Skillet, pancake puppies, and two Cokes that will speed my Ashkenazi genetic ills. The crawling open mouthed desire beast in me was satisfied and I was fully docile until I had an inexplicable headache and tummy ache a couple hours later. I think this is the seedling of the American nightmare. Unchallenging food perfectly calibrated in sugars, fats, and salts to quell the rebellious ego.
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